尋尋覓覓的貝殼..

cleasning for the new season

2010-05-31T19:42:00.001-04:00

In reality, time is not counted by the second or the hour but by the events that take place. I pretend to keep a calendar to remind me of these past five months however everything is a big blur. Slowly I must admit that I am another year older but not wiser. I am still searching for that motivation that lingers in my mind but not in my actions. How many months of laziness will be enough? I realized there is no answer; I must constantly push myself or be satisfied by staying still. I may claim to not be ambitious but there are so many "what ifs" that make me wonder. Curiosity can only be satisfied by exploration therefore the following three months I will work towards those "what ifs." Wish me luck!

What if I ...

- study more

- exercise more

- read more

- bake more

- socialize more

- use the internet less

- waste less time

- plan my days more

- challenge myself more

the late night

2010-02-09T00:12:00.002-05:00

Brief summary of my current situation:
As I am sitting in my new residence after moving in for about two weeks, I can finally take a breath and absorb it all in. Work is going to be a huge pain and it is only February. It is so true that there is a difference between being part-time and full-time. Here I am after midnight trying to do more work because I feel like I have wasted so much time. But even with all the challenges I am facing and will face, I am truly happy. All I wish for right now is to pass my exam and so I can take the next step in this journey. We must all move forward to learn how to stay afloat. (=

your existence

2010-01-23T14:41:00.002-05:00

Our purpose and existence has always been a mystery but I have found an answer that I can believe in. We live to make the people around us happy because happiness is contagious. With that goal in mind, I know what to work for and where to find the energy to continue forth. The only part that saddens me is how hard it is to actually get to the place I need to be. I know the destination but I fear the path. At times I am the one holding myself back; I hold these fists knowing that is all I will have. If I let go I will gain so much more but I cannot do it. The reasoning is clear however I lack the directions to tell me how. One day at a time maybe I will learn yet there are so many moments that I feel myself moving backwards.

search to be spared

2010-01-13T12:45:00.003-05:00

in the darkness believe there will be light
in silence believe in the echoing voices and the song of hope
approach the path as if there is nothing to lose
be stronger than the cold, shivering wind on a wintery night
place faith in unseen ways and lend that hand whenever possible
live today to create that timeless story of tomorrow
lastly find the strength to continue searching with intent to be spared

2010's Resolution

2009-12-31T19:48:00.002-05:00

1) Keep better relationships with family and friends
2) Pay more attention to my health (more rest, better diet, etc)
3) Make time to enjoy cooking/ baking
4) Think before I spend (learn to budget and plan)
5) Put forth greater effort into life (take chances and explore challenges)
6) Learn a wiser method of time management (less days of waste)

expectations..

2009-12-08T12:43:00.002-05:00

are you one of those people that set high standards for yourself or are you one of those people who rather just be happy?
I do want happiness but I fear disappointment. Not disappointing others but actually myself. Have you ever wonder what your full potential is or what you are able to do when you try your hardest? That is what I fear, not doing enough and being enough for myself. I can feel myself being still too selfish. I am not ready to share yet. I do not want to compensate my time or have to deal with someone else's obligations. I still want to be me and me alone. As the year comes to an end, my dreams of having a career grows stronger, my hope of making a "home" comes closer but my desire for a family is fainting.

dreams do come true

2009-11-22T14:26:00.001-05:00

slowly as the year ends, i realize how lucky i am especially these past few weeks...

i passed one of the four parts to the cpa exam!! one down three more to go!

also.. i am going to be getting a place of my own.. so excited!!

aside from that nothing else is really new but thanksgiving is coming.. i can't wait for some turkey!

i am hoping that luck stays with me for the next three months and life will be just perfect afterward...

anticipation is a great thing when everything starts to fall into place (=

不同的幸福

2009-11-03T18:08:00.001-05:00

我在看「下一站，幸福」
裡面有一句對白我很喜歡…
　你知道在冰場上如果說
　把手交給對方　
　就等於把生命也交給他
　我剛才說我會牽著你
　就等於我會承諾保護你
　不顧一切

看見吳建豪我就會想起一首他的歌
一首非常感動的歌，一首會讓我哭的歌，一首我也害怕聽的歌
不只到你們有沒有聽過　是叫「媽媽」

甚麼是幸福？
雖然我一直在尋找可是我都不清楚我想要的幸福是怎麼樣的
也許能給人幸福都是幸福的一種，不只到哪一天我可以做到

the secret is out!

2009-10-28T18:29:00.001-04:00

在一本書裡我看到這些談話:

人會問怎樣可以找到快樂?

　　孩子來這個世界的時候手握著拳頭

　　老頭子離開這世界的時候手是張開的

　　因為他明白甚麼都不能帶走

In the back of our minds we understand the idea but how many of us can put this philosophy into practice?

milestones..

2009-10-27T19:54:00.001-04:00

As I take a second to sit back and breathe, I start to realize the milestones I am passing. Last year around this time I was still in class thinking what in the world am I going to do with my life... This year I chose some paths and now I am hoping I will be able to do this for the rest of my life. The milestones of this year are: college graduation, first official job... and maybe something else too if the numbers are right and fate lets it happen. I have been avoiding goodbye to my childhood ways but it is time. I have to be a grown-up now and become responsible for myself. What a scary thought! The last thing I ever wanted is full independence because I lack that courage and strength. I guess time only allows me to complain a little and to take another deep breath to keep going.

Take it back!

2009-10-20T18:13:00.001-04:00

I was briefly on facebook today and saw quite a few messages about the same topic. I was shocked at what this world has come to and sadly I am a huge part of it. So I have decided to "take it back." Now you may wonder what in the world I am talking about and I suppose I should share. The topic I saw was that people "lost" their cell phones and did not know what to do. Technology has taken over the world and our dependency on it is incalculable. I say no more! I am taking my life back hence I will severely decrease my time from the internet/computer. What happened to real communicate such as--- hanging out with people and actually having a conversation? Unless one is worlds apart there is no need to communicate through email and other similar things. I understand that at times it is convenient and nice to leave short messages/notes but there should be a limit. I personally spent the last couple of days not knowing how much time I wasted on the internet accomplishing nothing at all. One has to know when enough is enough.

a toast..

2009-10-10T23:56:00.001-04:00

Let's raise our glasses and give a toast to the things we can live without! We come into the world dependent upon the ones who gave us life yet never realizing our survival is actually dependent upon ourselves. We are the only ones that can provide us with the strength to breathe and to live. Shamelessly we are in search of answers and people to fill this void in our hearts however the truth is we are the only ones who can fill that hole. The difference between "alone" and "lonely" is minimal in the definitions of the words but is great in the meaning of life. Lonely is a feeling we usually get yet alone is how we were born into this world. Alone is what we will always be at one point or another in our life. But the toast is for when we can happily live with this fact. We eventually will learn to let others walk into our lives without letting them take over our well-being. Dependence must be upon ourselves as we are the only ones that can guarantee to always be there every time.

turning the pages..

2009-10-02T22:47:00.002-04:00

I believe the saying goes "time flies when you are having fun," but a month of the real world is hardly fun. I wish work was more challenging or maybe I need to put in more effort. I do not remember the last time I was so bored.. I even almost fell asleep! And studying is not really studying at all.. motivation where are you?? I need a better method to achieve this goal. Aside from work and studying, I feel such relief or maybe the better word is freedom. It brings me back to that poem with the chains that I finally freed myself of and have found that home.

For the first time since high school graduation, I am no longer mad at them; after four years I can feel the words they have been saying. I believe there is a god(s) out there who knows what kind of person I am deep down inside. I know my values differ from the norm but in the end, it is my life and why should I not be happy? I always thought that no human being would understand but the truth has awaken a new me. Maybe I was too blind to see or maybe the teardrops in my heart have finally dried up. I can still hear those words ringing that brighten my day and our relationship for life.

cloudy with a chance of rain

2009-09-24T21:25:00.003-04:00

If you had asked me recently how have been doing, my answer would have okay, and if you knew me then you would know that it was a lie. If you asked me what me mood was then my answer would be cloudy with a chance of rain. People as human beings are weak in that they have considerate feelings and know how to beat around the bush. When one loses that weakness then the creature within them has emerged; no one should or would want that as a "friend." I am free and I have been wanting this freedom for so long. The relief is indescribable. It was a bad obsession and those are the worst. But now my answer to your questions would be that the drizzle is bringing a rainbow. (=

yesterday I was me but today I am gone

2009-09-21T22:30:00.001-04:00

Instead of focusing on studying, I decided to browse through one of my old journals and came upon this old poem. It was written on April 20, 2005.

"A Lonely Place to Be"

Yesterday I was me,
　　　　But today
　　　　　　　　I am gone
like the wind that blew by
　　　　light and soft
　　　　　　　　Yet un-graspable

My thoughts are still within
　　　　Passing by and by
　　　　　　　　If they were only like the Wind
　　　　Passing by to never return
　　　　　　they remain like Chains to a gate
Let me be free!

Now tomorrow's me
　　　　I have not found
　　　　I believe it is lost
　　　　　　　　in a world of Change
Home where is Home?
　　　　　　　　I think it is gone

Drizzling rain
　　　　　　　　　　leaves little prints
　　　　　　　　a guiding road,
　　　　　　　　　　a star lit sky, to
　　　　sweet sweet Home
Yesterday I was me, But today...

breaking colors

2009-09-20T15:35:00.003-04:00

The changes in life are as subtle as colors breaking into shades. Yet this weekend I can actually feel the change that has taken over me these past few years. I realize the hardest part of life is not growing up but growing apart from the people you had once known. It saddens me to know that as I had move forward they stood still in that comfort zone. This sounds as if I am breaking up but in any type of relationship, it cannot last if people are going in different directions. I cannot and will not allow myself to settle.
Suddenly I have all these goals for myself-- things I want to see, to learn and to accomplish.
I heard these lyrics:
　　　伸出雙手就能擁抱全世　相信所有的夢想一定會實現　一切看起來都不會太遙遠。。。我們不曾妥協
They give me the energy, strength and motivation to carry on even though my youth is gone, I should still have faith and believe.

pennies for your thoughts.. (=

2009-09-10T23:09:00.004-04:00

A borrowed translation from the beginning of one of my favorite dramas.

We are all dying from the moment we were born. On a starry night, I would like to ask my lover one day who is waiting for me in the other world. "Are you happy now? Do you want to live or die?" The abyss between life and death is narrower than the 50cm width of a fence. The instant you jump across-- it is like a shooting star falling through the crack of a building. Until then I am only an idle spectator of my own life. That may be why I was chosen by fate.

Why is it that people only realize things after it is already too late? One's time in life is under the control of "God."

I was neither happy nor sad. Life's true joys and sorrows were just passing me by. At that time, I was still... yes I can only say this now... it was then that my life had started, when the biological clock in my body started ticking.

where is the rain?

2009-09-08T21:04:00.003-04:00

The alarm went off this morning and my first thought was five more minutes. My second thought was why did I sleep so late. The hardest part of the day is waking up especially when one knows that work is ahead. Sadly I am starting to dread my job especially since some people make it so unpleasant! There are so many other things I would rather be doing such as this but all I can do is rant a bit.

Why must "starting the beginning" be so difficult?

I am searching for the rain to bring sunny days.
I am searching for the wind to strengthen my grip.
I am searching for the night that contains sweet dreams.
I am searching for the wave that holds my echoing voice.

Disappointment

2009-09-07T22:05:00.002-04:00

Promises are made to be kept sadly I can never follow through. I have always wonder if one can change. It is so sad that in appearance I can be one person but in reality no matter how I try I am still myself. "Yesterday I was me but today I am gone;" lost to the world of temptation because of the lack of motivation and determination. None of these things are tangible but their effect on my well-being is fatal.

Today I am going to change with all my might and please help me follow this path. I must pass these four parts of the CPA exam in six months; I must keep my eyes upon the goal (no more detours along the way).

~ I'm not obsessed. I am just focused. ~ I need to start focusing on the right things now. (=

my name..

2009-09-04T23:12:00.001-04:00

For those who wonder where the name of this "blog" comes from, here it is..

有沒有聽過這個故事..

原來人類原本和蚯蚓或海馬一樣　是雌雄同體
男人女人密密不可分
只不過有一天妒忌的精靈硬將男人女人分開
就好像把一個貝殼分開兩瓣
從此人就要尋尋覓覓去找他的另一半
有人很幸運　一找就找到了
但亦有人一世都找不到。。。

Which person are you? I feel like one of those who are still searching.

walking..

2009-09-02T21:25:00.004-04:00

I walked through the cold
I can feel the heat
but not from where I thought
it would be

I walked through the cold
I no longer need to know
of what I should do instead
things will be

I walked through the cold
I felt the rain fall
not that hard pouring
it could be

I walked through the cold
I can breathe again
unlike the days of old
that won't be

The same determination always returns to me during this time of the year. Maybe because the season is starting to change and I must physically and mentally face the cold once again. Each day is different yet the path one takes is like a circle with no end. It has been so long since I wrote this old poem but its underlying message is still able to awaken a new me.

Life is like a book.

2009-09-01T22:03:00.001-04:00

There are two sides to every leaf and two stories on every page. And so this new chapter slowly begins... I believe the first of month has a special meaning. I received this offer on the first of April and my first day (today) is also on the first of September. The feeling of something being final has never been so strong. Everything and almost everyone has been so familiar and yet it is worse. Maybe it comes with age that one would want excitement or maybe I have not found what I am willing to settle for. My life as a kid is officially over. I always hated moments like these; ones that put you in shock. The night is still young and I must keep working on this book hence these are the words I will leave you with..

Fantasies are so faraway, dreams are within reach and wishes are always too much work.